Picture this: it’s Christmas Eve. You’re stuck at your Uncle John’s annual Christmas party, and your only companion is a cup of your mom’s holiday jungle juice.
But you’re not the only one at the party getting drunk to cope with your single status and impending student loans. Aunt Debbie is in the corner with a bottle of pinot grigio thinking about her divorce. Your cousin’s girlfriend is chugging beer just to stay afloat. Finally, your uncle is pretending to enjoy the potent holiday whiskey on in his glass to protect his waning masculinity.
So relax, throw that drink back and see if we can predict the other types of drunks in your family.
What would your family do without dear Mom diffusing all the arguments that arise every family party? Though you may think she is the master at maintaining peace, don’t be fooled. You can find your mom chugging wine straight from the bottle in the kitchen in between political riffs.
Your dad married into this family thirty years ago. He knows what he needs to do to survive the holidays. Stay quiet, drink some beers, and pray that Sports Center is playing something he can at least pretend to watch on TV.
You grew up going to these family parties together. At this point you guys are pros at dealing with them together. Sometime around 8 o’clock, you two will share a wordless look with each other from across the table. After, you’d know to meet in the kitchen in 10 minutes to chug the fire whiskey nips that you guys snuck in. At least you have one person who’s on the same page as you.
Your judgey Aunt Debbie
If you need someone to diminish the confidence you spent years building up in less than five minutes, look no further than your Aunt Debbie. She’ll bombard you with comments like, “Don’t worry, there’s someone out there for everybody,” and “English? What an impractical major.”
However, after a few glasses of your mom’s famous White Winter Sangria, she’ll be complaining about her ex-husband and divorce faster than you can say, “Feliz Navidad.”
Your mid-life-crisis Uncle John
Uncle John just had the realization that he’s not getting any younger. So, his middle-aged self went on a spending spree and got a new car, hair plugs, and more expensive whiskey than he could ever care for.
Unfortunately, now he’s stuck drinking it for at least the next five family parties. Make sure to pick him up off the floor later in the night and place him next to your dad on the couch.
Your drunk politician cousins
On one side of the arena is Jared, your bitter, finance-majoring cousin who doubles as treasurer for his fraternity. And on the other, you have Susan, president of the Young Liberals club at Wellesley and proud environmental advocate on twitter.
After some sangria, these two will go at it viciously and make everyone at the table feel uncomfortable with their shoutings of, “Femi-Nazi!” and “Bigot!”
Your cousin’s boyfriend that she brought home for the first time
There’s nothing that can quite prepare your cousin and her boyfriend for the hell that they’ll surely receive at this family party. If it’s not your Aunt Debbie telling them that marriage is a huge mistake, then it’s your uncle making drunken, inappropriate jokes about their sex life.
If your family hasn’t scared them off by the end of the night, I can guarantee you that it’s because they’re hammered. These guys are your only allies. Stick with them for the night.
The ones who married into your family
You can find these guys silently watching from the corners of the dining room with some craft beers in hand, hoping that they will continue to be ignored. Unlike you, they chose to become a part of this family, for better or for worse. And during holiday parties, it’s definitely for worse.
After one drop of the red wine paired with dinner, this guy will be long gone. Expect to find him snoozing loudly on the couch next to your sport-watching dad and whiskey-drinking uncle.
The one sober family member (alternate names include: Buzz Killington, The Square, Mr. Normal, The Worst)
We can make fun of all the different types of drunks all we want, but the person we secretly hate the most is the one sober family member there. Whether it’s Aunt Sharon who’s on a health kick or your third-trimester pregnant cousin who’s ate the entire chocolate cake, you’d rather stick with your crazy, drunk relatives than deal with anyone sober. Eugh.